


for you

by chemily



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst ish, But ep13 is rough and i like to make things worse, F/F, It's kinda not but it kinda is, No one dies and they end up together so don't worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-16
Updated: 2015-07-16
Packaged: 2018-04-09 16:07:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4355468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chemily/pseuds/chemily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if what you both need is something you don't want?</p>
<p>Alternately titled: how Carmilla got to travel the world and Laura got to save the school</p>
<p>A take on Laura's and Carmilla's conversation</p>
<p>Post episode 13</p>
<p>Two timelines, one backwards and one forwards.</p>
            </blockquote>





	for you

A girl is sitting at a cafe just outside of the city. Her fingers are drumming a haphazard beat on the table before her, as she lets out a deep exhale. She closes her eyes and breathes in, the scent of coffee clouding her mind. She has a mug of the steaming liquid sitting beside her, but she's pacing herself, especially considering the rate at which she downed the espresso from earlier.

She jumps a little every time a patron walks through the door. She's expecting someone and the thought alone is suffocating. She shakes her head repeatedly, wondering why she ever thought it was a good idea in the first place.

She checks the clock on the wall. _5:12_. Maybe the barista was lying to her, saying that this girl always comes in at 5. Maybe he was trying to get her to buy a drink and leave a decent tip because of his nicety. Maybe the girl saw her and left. Maybe this was a bad idea from the git go.

Maybe she should stop drinking espressos and trying to think.

The chime on the door rang again and her eyes jumped to the girl who walked through. They made eye contact, there was no denying that. If the idea was suffocating, she couldn't even begin to describe how hard it was to breathe now. She wondered if the deer in headlights look she was feeling was reality. Deep down, she knew it was.

"Carm?" It hurt so much to hear that after so long.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

_"Carmilla? What are you doing?"_

_"What does it look like I'm doing, cupcake?"_

_"It looks like you're packing, which is absurd. We just moved our stuff into this room, why would we..." She trailed off quietly and Carmilla stopped. She stood up, no longer hunched over a duffel bag on the floor, but didn't turn around. She wasn't going to face this, face her. If she had an ounce of pride left, she would use it here. It only seemed right. "Why would you leave?" Her voice came out as a whimper. Carmilla could feel her chest tightening._

_She didn't want to be the bad guy, which is one of the main reasons she decided to leave. She didn't want to hurt Laura, but, based on the crack in her voice, she realized she already had. That was the thing. She did love Laura. But she also loved sleeping in and teasing protesters and being, well, lazy. One of them had to change, and, well, it sure as hell wasn't going to be her._

_Laura's face was red and her eyes were puffy and she had tears streaming down her cheeks._

_Carmilla held back tears as she pushed through the door. She didn't cry until she hit the woods. Then she was finally free._

"Hi, um Laura, I..."

"Oh good, so it really is you, sitting in my favorite cafe in my town and not just some fucked up dream of the woman I haven't seen in five years." Carmilla's jaw dropped slightly. Laura had changed and seeing her in the flesh made her realize how much so. She had seen her facebook profile picture change and age with the years, she knew Laura must be growing up in some respect but now she looked so different.

She was in work attire, but real business clothes rather than what she used to wear for her "SNN Reports." She didn't have a patterned animal across her chest or colorful pants to match. Instead she wore a black blazer over a light blue button down that was unbuttoned only slightly at the top. Her black pencil skirt matched the blazer and though she only had a few inches extra from the heels she wore, she looked taller. She also looked thinner and more tired, but that could be a side effect of her hair being pulled back so tightly into a ponytail.

"Please, tell me this isn't some kind of fucked up coincidence." She cursed more, Carmilla noted.

"No, it's.."

"Good, so you have been stalking me. That's really cute, Carmilla."

"Laura, I'm sorry but you were screening my calls and ignoring my texts, I just went on facebook and saw where you were living." Laura scoffed and Carmilla was so apologetic it hurt her. Everything about this circumstance hurt her. "I just want to talk."

"It's been five years, what could you possibly want to talk about?" She made a point and Carmilla didn't have one. She knew she shouldn't have waited so long to get into contact with her but she did and now, well, she was a distant memory for the girl before her.

Except that she wasn't and Carmilla knew that. She knew that Laura couldn't just move on from her. And maybe it was manipulative, maybe it was assuming but maybe, it was just what they were both thinking. In her defense, Laura hadn't walked away yet.

"Can I just buy you a coffee? Or, hot chocolate?" Carmilla offered, in such a small voice. Laura sighed and sat down. Maybe she was right.

"I don't drink hot cocoa anymore," Laura retorted, the anger still not completely gone from her voice. Carmilla nodded and muttered an "Oh" as she stood up. "Get me a mocha." Carmilla chuckled a little at that and Laura rose her eyebrows. "What's so funny?"

"I don't know. A mocha is just basically a coffee hot cocoa and it was funny." Laura seemed less than amused. "I now see we aren't the kind of friends who make jokes."

"We aren't any kind of friends, Carmilla. That ended when you walked out on me." It was cold and harsh but entirely called for. Carmilla closed her eyes and bowed her head. She almost believed that this would be the moment that Laura left. But, again, she didn't.

"Let me get that mocha," Carmilla replied and Laura nodded, sitting back in her chair with her arms folded. She deserved that. She walked quickly over to the barista and placed her order.

She looked back over to Laura, who had taken out her phone to send a quick text. She shook her head and sighed and ever so faintly, Carmilla could hear her whisper "What am I doing?"

_"Are you capable of helping for even a smidge of a second or is that too much to ask?" Laura shouted as she stormed into the room behind Carmilla. She slammed the door shut in her wake._

_"Well, soooorry, glitter glue isn't exactly my cup of tea, buttercup. I didn't realize you thought you were dating Martha Stewart." She put a silly emphasis on sorry and flopped down on the mattress before them, leaning up against the pillows slightly. Laura did not look amused and Carmilla knew she was in for it._

_"Maybe I should be, since she would actually help me put together some protest signs instead of laughing when Danny fell into the paint!" She kept stomping her foot slightly, for emphasis or something, and it would be scary if she wasn't so silly. If this wasn't so silly. They'd been dancing around this argument for months but Carmilla never thought they'd make it here._

_"What? How is it my fault that Big Red got even redder? You can't make this stuff up, it was too good." She rummaged around the bedside table for a book but Laura's glare made her think twice about it. She slumped back into the pillows with a frown on her face. She wasn't going to apologize for laughing; slight bodily harm to enemies was her favorite type of humor. Laura should know that much by now._

_"At least she was trying to help! You haven't even done anything this whole time!" There was a pause. Carmilla clenched her jaw, trying not to say anything she would regret, as if that ship hadn't already sailed. But that was crossing a line._

_"So spying on my sister was nothing? I didn't realize family meant so little to you, creampuff." It was really the least she could say._

_"That's not what I'm saying." She responded, slightly quieter than before but still raging._

_"Oh trust me, I get what you're saying," Carmilla said, with a mock sympathy. "Just because I stole a supernatural sword and sacrificed myself for you, you expect me to get behind every little nit-picky cause you get involved in. News flash, Lois Lane, that's not me." She was sitting up straight, away from the mattress's headboard. She didn't remember a time she had gotten this angry._

_"That is you, I've seen you. You're better than this!" She was shouting again. She sounded ridiculous and that was all Carmilla could think over and over again. "You fight for the righteous and do what is good. That's the girl I fell in love with. Come on, Carm, please, I need you." Her voice trailed off, a mere whimper by the end._

_"No, you need me to be some big superhero who will swoop in and save you. You don't love me for me. Hell, you don't even know me." Laura closed her eyes and left the room._

_Carmilla started to list every great city she wanted to visit, something to keep her mind anywhere but here._

Carmilla placed the mug down on the table. Laura's eyes shot up, clearly unaware that Carmilla had made it back so soon. She looked at Laura, whose face went from panic back to the anger and frustration from before. She grabbed the mug with both of her hands and blew on the coffee before taking a small sip and placing the drink back on the table. A little bit of foam gathered on her top lip before she licked it off silently. Carmilla was repeatedly mentally kicking herself for not being able to talk.

Laura must have noticed.

"You're the one who wanted to talk so bad, let's get to it." Carmilla nodded silently in agreement, still unable to form the words. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Laura, I'm sorry." Laura snorted at that, god she could be so rude sometimes. "I'm not sorry for leaving," she continued. "But I am sorry for never reaching out to you, for not writing you and for finding you in such a creepy way. But not the leaving, the leaving had to be done."

"Why?" Laura was fuming at this point and Carmilla figured it was bound to happen. "What was so dire that you had to flee Silas amidst all of that?"

"I couldn't handle it," she murmured. She was finding it hard to reason what was a rhetorical question and what Laura was actually asking of her.

"Oh, was your university, that you promptly ruined, falling apart around you, while everyone knew you were responsible? But then, was it a problem because you couldn't do a damn thing about it, because everyone who tried was murdered? Or was that just what I was dealing with?" She was right and dammit did Carmilla hate it when she was right. She was leaning over the table, face inches from Carmilla's as she spat out her words. Carmilla leaned back and tried to avoid eye contact for the better part of the conversation, in a pathetic attempt to will away the tears that were bound to fall. "Did you think I was handling it? Did you think Perry or LaF, Danny or Kirsch, that literally anyone could handle that on their own? That didn't mean you had to run away."

"I couldn't handle being in love with you." She spat it out, not quite sure of how to follow it up or if it was even what she wanted to lead with. It sounded so cliche and dumb and she knew it.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Laura must have agreed.

"I couldn't handle the fact that I loved you and you were 19 and you saw the world in such a two-dimensional way and I couldn't be what you needed." She sighed. These words were plentiful and unfiltered. two things Carmilla typically avoided. But they were also two things Laura traditionally was. Maybe they weren't so bad. "And I didn't want Mattie to be right but what she said about you and me and trying to justify our relationship and she was right, you know. It's the Benjamin Franklin Effect. If you want someone to like you, have them do a favor for you."

"Was that really all we were?" Laura wasn't yelling anymore and that was surprising. She basically whispered that to the room, refusing eye contact to Carmilla.

"No. I mean, yeah, that was part of it but after all this time, I still care about you and wanted to be with you. We were just in the wrong place."

"Yeah, you weren't at Silas. What even were you doing?" The venom was back, but just ever so slightly.

"I was traveling. Never staying in the same place twice. Never giving anyone my real name." There was a wistfulness to the way she said that. In fact, she was almost missing it now.

"And how was that for you?" Was that a genuine question for once?

"Like I said, we weren't in the right place. You weren't able to see who I really was, I wasn't ready to give up everything I knew for you, but most importantly, you weren't by my side."

_"Danny is coming over later to work on protest materials! Isn't that great?" Laura bounced into the room, obviously excited at the prospect._

_"It sounds fan-freaking-tastic," Carmilla drawled._

_"Why must you be like this?" she groaned, her excitement almost going back down to human levels._

_"Like what?"_

_"So uninterested and apathetic about everything. This is good for you! Now you don't have to help and I still have someone who will. Danny doesn't even mind."_

_Then why didn't it feel that way?_

_"Well great for you two," she said instead._

_"You don't have to be such a brat just because you don't like it when she hangs out with me." It was taunting and rude and Carmilla couldn't help herself._

_"What, do you think I'm jealous?...That's rich, cupcake."_

_"How else would you explain the glares you are always sending her way when she walks into a room?" she challenged._

_"I just don't like her. Never did. I don't like how she sees you like some helpless child. You're not, Laura, you're so much more than that." She was playing the 'sweet girlfriend card' and she was wishing with everything she had that it would work._

_"Oh. Thank you." Of course it did. "If that's the case, then can you please just try to play nice?"_

_"Fine."_

_Why did it always feel like she was hiding something?_

"I want to try again, please Laura." She was practically begging at this point, though she wouldn't ever admit it. "Things weren't right before, but maybe now they could be."

"Carmilla, you can't just waltz back into my life and hope that things will magically be the way they were before, or better even." It was so gentle and sweet that Carmilla felt whiplash from where they had started. She truly hoped she was right about all of this. "We haven't seen each other in years, so much has changed. You don't even know if I'm seeing somebody."

"Are you?" Carmilla asked eagerly. "...Seeing somebody, I mean"

"No, are you?" Maybe she was right.

"Laura, I haven't so much as kissed someone since I last saw you. I don't want anyone else." She paused and took a deep breath. She wanted to just say the rest but she felt the words caught in her throat, her breath getting stuffed up. She closed her eyes and began. "I wished I had known that before but I didn't. I had been years since anyone loved me, genuinely, and I don't even know if that was ever the case. Everyone who ever stuck around for more than a week was using me. That's what Maman said and what she taught me. I couldn't unlearn centuries of teachings in a month for you and I didn't even know where to begin. I couldn't be what you needed and I felt that you wanted me so conditionally."

It was the most honest she had ever been and probably the most words she had ever said consecutively. That was an embarrassing side to show.

"I was so insecure when we were together and for that, I'm sorry." But it wasn't the worst thing she could have done. "But you're you! Centuries old badass who looks just as great in the modern era. Why would you ever like me? I was scared and you're right, I was so young. I didn't know how to properly love someone or take care of them. I was so passive aggressive at times and I got clouded in my own personal business. I forgot to look out for you too. But it almost doesn't matter if we were doomed from the start; you leaving still hurt, you know."

"I know," she replied, genuinely.

"And we're going to have to talk about this, even more. For real, for once. No subtweeting and passive aggressiveness." She smiled and Carmilla did too, for a second. Their twitters had been a mess to say the least.

"I know."

"But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't great to see you again." She smiled, the first real smile in almost five years.

"I know."

_"Isn't learning history fun?" Carmilla drawled, walking into the room. Laura noticed her and moved to the chaise lounge. She would have to thank Vordenberg later for the flash of terror that flitted over Laura's face when they first made eye contact._

_"Yeah, it's hilarious that our best lead won't help us because you massacred his ancestors," she said, sarcastically, as she resigned to her seat. Carmilla sat behind her, carefully trying not to disturb whatever thoughts were bouncing around in her head. She wanted to know more but then again, curiosity killed the cat. Laura sighed deeply. "This isn't working, we're never going to stop Mattie this way." She was right, Carmilla knew. But she didn't want to give away too much. Mattie was her sister, after all, and maybe she cared a little less what happened to the hellhole they called a University. "Maybe what we need to do is what University students always do when skeezy corporations try to take over: Protest! The Zetas are pissed about their beer. The Summers are pissed about the Adonis Festival. Everyone's got to be pissed about the Library, so I'll call up Kirsch and Danny and-" She didn't take a breath in her ranting, which is to be expected when she got heated over something._

_"You really want to ring up Agent Orange?" Carmilla interrupted. Despite essentially rescuing her from a crater, Danny still wasn't her favorite person. Laura leaned back to look over at Carmilla._

_"Look, can you not?" Laura started. Part of Carmilla knew exactly where this was going. The other part of her truly wished it wasn't. "I get that you're conflicted but I just, I don't have the brain space to deal with you being all insecure and morally ambiguous right now. I need the kickass, heroic vampire girlfriend. So can you please just be that?" Laura was looking at her with her big doe eyes and such a sweet smile._

_It wasn't right. She wasn't supposed to compromise what she was for this girl. She wasn't supposed to agree to her every whim. But Laura saw something in her, something she may not even see in herself. Maybe the heroic vampire crap wasn't just a fluke and this was truly who she was now._

_"Of course. Whatever you need." She pulled Laura in for a hug. She was so soft and Carmilla felt right at home with her little human under her arm._

_So then why did it hurt so much?_

"I think they're about to kick us out of the cafe," Carmilla muttered, leaning across the table so that the staff couldn't hear her. It was about 7 PM when this realization had hit, almost two hours of talking having, apparently, flown by.

"What gives you that idea?" Laura asked with a grin. Carmilla nodded her head back to the baristas currently standing, arms crossed, in a circle, looking expectantly at the young women in the corner table. "Oh, that would make sense." Carmilla laughed a second before gathering her belongings. "What if I don't want to stop talking to you?" Laura piped up. "I mean, my apartment is a block from here."

"You always did move fast, didn't you?" Carmilla smirked up at her. Laura's cheeks flushed. She got some satisfaction knowing that she still had this effect on the girl.

"That's not- I don't mean it like that. I just meant-"

"That I would love to keep talking to you." Carmilla smiled, one of those big, honest smiles again. They both rose from the table, which was quickly cleaned up by the baristas. Carmilla dropped a generous tip in the jar on their way out.

A cool wind hit them when they walked through the doors. Laura took Carmilla's hand and then looked her in the eyes. "Is this okay?"

_Nothing had felt that great since the last time we touched. Nothing in my life has ever been this perfect. I have missed your hand more than I miss breathing_. The thoughts raced through her mind but none seemed quite right.

"Yeah, it's just fine."

**Author's Note:**

> I did this all at work and so I'm sorry for mistakes. Comments are appreciated :)
> 
> Also I do ship hollstein but I want them to both grow up a little and try again, so I wrote it.


End file.
